What do visitors make of Brighton? Sticks of rock, buckets and spades, fish and chips, cones and flakes, deckchairs, mugs of Meghan and Harry. Stripping off for a dip despite the rain. I like a stroll along the seafront, but I’m not a fan of beaches. Sand stuck between your toes. Pebbles are even worse. How do people put up with them? I’m much more comfortable in a suit and tie than stripping down to shorts and T-shirt. Too much bare skin – especially mine. I’m happier in a brogue than a Croc. You’ll never catch me in a Birkenstock or Skecher either. Or a Nike, Havaianas or Fitflop. With or without socks.
Brighton was recently named the most relaxing place to live in Britain. By that paragon of research reliability Kalms Herbal Remedies. Move over Oxford University. According to Kalms – the name stresses me out – 61 per cent of residents are likely to seek help for their mental health. Only 61 per cent? I’d have thought that seeing there’s been so many bright red Labour flipflops flapping sockless all over the city even the stiffest lips among us would have turned wobbly. How many suspect flipflops has our dear leader Bella Sankey, our very own girl from Ipanema – a brand of sandal wear of course – flogged to the unsuspecting resident, visitor and tourist?
I’ve pored through countless speeches and manifestos – thanks for the violins – so you, dear reader, don’t have to. I’m not going to add in the citations. If Harvard presidents don’t have to, neither do I.
Lucky I’m an English language teacher by profession. I taught in Poland and Ukraine. Not for me the hotspots of Spain or Thailand. I haven’t the body confidence. But I do appreciate the Nigerians, Yemenis and Vietnamese who come here. They bring a sense of the sun with them. I’ve spent years writing vocabulary exercises – matching, jumbled letters and gap-fills – so that I can entertain you on this dark January day. Funny how skills become transferable.
So, get a pen, find yourself a bus shelter without broken windows, and join me in wasting a few minutes finding out how often our dear leader has changed her mind in the last eight months. The quotations come from passages in the Labour manifesto in May 2023 or from speeches.
Question 1: what are the missing words? Here’s a clue – the first word begins with w and the second h.
“A Labour council will safely wage a) ………… on the weeds that have been allowed to grow – making streets difficult and hazardous, especially with children and for the elderly and people with reduced mobility. We won’t return to the use of b) ………… glyphosates.” It has to be said – waging war is not the most appropriate expression to use these days.
Question 2: unscramble these two words.
“We will look at changing catchment areas to protect schools facing a) lscoeru, particularly in b) utoylnig areas.” Does Portslade count?
Question 3: choose a, b, c or d.
“Right now, following Covid and with the cost-of-living crisis, [independent local businesses] need the support of local people and the local authority more than ever.”
Which of the following activities have increased in cost? a) using shop displays; b) flyering; c) licences for skips; d) licences for scaffolding? Here’s a clue – it’s more than one.
Question 4: choose the right word.
“All your Labour councillors will a) be residents/live in Leicester who understand the challenges of b) inequality/equality in our city.”
Question 5: choose a, b, c, or all of them.
“I am going to be a listening leader.”
Which consultation responses did Labour not listen to? a) the closure of St Bartholomew’s b) the closure of St Peter’s c) Beach Hut licensing.
Question 6: is this true or false?
“Labour will run a council that is accessible, providing a more personal service to our residents, including clearer online information and a face-to-face service with staff based in council offices across the city.”
Now, check your answers with your neighbour. Here they are: war; harmful; closure; outlying; all of them; be residents; inequality; all of them; and, in my opinion, false. Did you get all six? If you did, well done. You’ve won yourself a pair of bright red Labour-branded flipflops. Ideal for walking backwards in, turning around, and somersaulting. Made to last four years but the stitching will probably fall apart before then. Leaks guaranteed.
Alistair McNair is leader of the Conservatives on Brighton and Hove City Council
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