Gillingham striker Oli Hawkins questioned whether he would play again at one stage as he battled to overcome an injury that just wouldn’t go away.
Hawkins’ first appearance of the campaign came at home against Bradford City in mid-December after the 31-year-old finally put aside a heel injury that had been troubling him since the second day of pre-season.
It’s been a long road back for the striker following a plantar fasciitis diagnosis and ahead of this Saturday’s game at Accrington, he spoke to the press for the first time about the injury and his relief at finally playing again.
“It was the strangest thing I’ve ever gone through in my football career,” he said. “It was a tough ride, really tough.
“I tried to train and play, but that just made it worse, I was damaging it even more.
“There were times when I couldn’t see how I was going to play again, and even if I played I wouldn’t be 100%.
“It got to a stage after two or three months where I had damaged it so much I had to properly sit out.
“I had always tried to train, tried to do something on it, I never wanted to stop or rest, but unfortunately doing that damaged it so much I had to be told to stop, completely off my foot for six weeks, then rebuild.
“Hopefully I have got to a stage where I can manage it. It’s not 100%, it’s an injury that can stick with you for years, it can go tomorrow, you never know. At the moment I am getting through it and not thinking about it. Hopefully I can move on from it and enjoy the second half of the season.”
Hawkins described the feeling as a tearing sensation in his heel. He could walk, but couldn’t run, and it had been getting worse since the second day of pre-season training.
He said: “There is no guarantee of how I did it, it might have been a mixture of things, where maybe in the summer I was wearing a certain shoe or croc and doing certain things and then when I came into training and put on a pair of boots and did straight line running, that just aggravated it.”
Day two of pre-season had seen Hawkins complete a 1k run.
“Putting my all into it just damaged it I think,” he said.
He continued to feel the discomfort in the foot and after 45 minutes of their first game of the summer, at Dover, he came off at the break in a lot of pain.
“I was screeching,” he said. “I knew there was something wrong but we just iced it, or strapped it, or masked it.”
Their next game was against Como in Italy and this time Hawkins knew there was something seriously wrong.
“I did a certain jump and could feel a tear for the first time,” he recalled. “Something happened and that was when I realised it was really, truly bad.
“It felt like I was walking with a stone in my heel, every time I put my foot down it hurt and then when I sprung off it hurt.
“Daily it would get better, then when I went to run or jog there was that tearing feeling. I said to myself and the physios that I can’t play unless that feeling goes and that feeling lasted four or five months.”
It was a tough period, with Hawkins and the medical team trying everything. By the middle of September the pain was still there but the 6ft 7in striker begged former boss Neil Harris for a chance to play.
Having trained well, he was named on the bench for the home game against Morecambe on the Saturday.
“I needed some normality of a game day,” he said. “I thought I could do 5-10 minutes if needed and I was grateful he put me on the bench but I wasn’t needed anyway. Maybe that was a good thing as I might have damaged it more anyway.
“I was dying to be involved but I really couldn’t.”
Four days later and Hawkins played in a B Team game against Millwall. It was a major hurdle to overcome but hopes were soon dashed. He broke down in that match at the training ground.
“Looking back at these moments, I shouldn’t have done it,” he admitted. “It’s easy to say now but when you want to get back and into the team, you can’t just say no, you have to try.
“I had trained that week, not 100%, but I felt I could do 30-40 minutes, I talked myself into it, but literally five minutes before I was due to come off I went to stretch for the ball and damaged it even more. That game is where I damaged it the most.
“It hit me, emotionally and mentally, it was really tough to take, I was so close to coming back. I knew I wasn’t 100% but I felt if I could get through it then I could slowly build for the first team.”
No amount of injections or remedies was working and so the decision was made to give the heel complete rest. For six weeks, Hawkins was told to do nothing.
He said: “When a specialist is telling you to stop doing something for six weeks that is hard to take. We are in an environment where you can’t really stop, even with a foot injury, you’re walking every day, I’ve got kids, a family, I have to do stuff, it was a tough time.
“I had tried everything, there was nothing I or the club didn’t do. I had an injection and they said to stop doing anything for six weeks, then reassess. It has allowed me to rebuild it.
“The only thing that helped was by resting and stopping doing stuff.
“If I am honest, it has not gone, but it is so much better. I can play games, I can train, I can do things.
“It is so much better to be playing. When you are out for that long you do miss it. When you are out for a couple of weeks you think of it as a little breather but then after a while you miss it. There is no better feeling than playing football.”
Hawkins had been due to feature against Barrow, a week before the Bradford game, but a waterlogged pitch meant he had a little longer to wait for his return.
Just being back around the lads was a real boost for him and his team-mates were glad he had something else to concentrate on, rather than being a pest.
“The players were probably sick of me just joking around,” he said with a grin. “I’d be doing stuff to them when they were at training, hiding stuff. You can’t beat it when you are back in and part of being with the lads.
“I had felt away from the team when I was injured because they would be travelling to games and I would not be there, I would train on a Saturday morning by myself and it was mentally tough. I am someone who needs people around.
“I couldn’t wait for an away game and the first one was Barrow. It got called off halfway up there! I was gutted. I was looking forward to some sleep, away from the kids, then it got called off and I was like, ‘great, I’ve got to go home!”
“We then had Forest Green away and just being back with the boys was something I needed for my personality.”
Hawkins has started the last three matches and made a positive impact to the side. His return, along with a change of formation, has seen the Gills create plenty of opportunities. Now they need to start making them count.
He said: “In the last three games I have played and started I have had two or three chances myself and as long as you are getting those chances you know goals are going to come.
“It must be frustrating for the fans to see we’re not scoring loads but we are getting the chances and they will come.”
The Gills have won their last two league games and are on the verge of the play-off places. Hawkins is confident they have the quality to be in the mix this season.
He said: “We have a squad and the players to get promoted automatically, obviously it’s a long season, at the moment we are in a position where automatics might not look completely on but play-offs is certainly on and who knows?
“A good run could still see us get the automatics, we definitely have the players, the squad is capable, we just need a good end of the season.”
Hawkins scored on his last visit to Accrington, netting for old club Portsmouth in a 1-1 draw.
“I have been there a few times in my career,” he said, ahead of Saturday’s match. “It always seems cold there, always windy, wet, rainy, a real tough place.
“Hopefully scoring there last time will be a good omen.”
