Or have we all had enough plonk to last us till next December? I doubt it, as Napoleon says “nothing makes the future look so rosy as to contemplate it through a glass of Chambertin”.
Talking of rosy futures, do you know what star sign you are? I don’t remember ever having any lessons on astrology at school but I know I’m Libran. Where did I learn it from? I always find myself turning to my two favourite soothsayers at this time of year, Russell Grant and Nostradamus, to find out what the new year has in store. Russell tells me – actually it was The Daily Express he told – that for Librans “good organisation is essential throughout the days and evenings ahead”. How did he know there is a by-election in South Portslade? Nostradamus, of course, didn’t get out of bed for the day-to-day. He predicted Hitler and Covid which, considering he died in 1566, is pretty impressive. What does he think 2024 has in store? “The King of the Isles will be driven out by force, In his place put one who will have no mark of a king.” Some take this as a reference to Prince Harry becoming King – I was hoping 2024 would be better than 2023. And that the Pope will die: “Through the death of the very old Pontiff A Roman of good age will be elected.” Considering the Pope’s 87, there is a good chance Nostradamus will be proved right.
It must be a good time of year to be a palm reader, astrologist, fortune teller, economist or political pundit. Everyone likes being paid to guess the future without having any skin in the game. If IMF economists are not embarrassed at getting their predictions so wrong all the time, why should I be? My one prediction is that 2024 will be the year ChatGPT takes over the world.
What is ChatGPT? My wife tells me that, dear reader, you already use it – but let me mansplain it for you. It’s software that lets users enter questions to receive images, text or videos that are created by Artificial Intelligence. Instead of me getting progressively greyer every week as I rack my brains for another column, I could ask ChatGPT to write this column for me. In three minutes. For free. Maybe I already do. It can write anything – HR documents, letters in the style of Nabokov, CVs, architectural plans, posters. You name it, it can do it. So, seeing as I was busy working off my pounds helping Benjamin Franks fight South Portslade, I thought I’d ask ChatGPT what 2024 will bring.
Which of these predictions for 2024 are mine or ChatGPT’s?
1. Neither Donald Trump nor Joe Biden will be the next US president. Not impossible. Nikki Haley?
2. The Greens will form the largest party in the next UK general election – that made you choke.
3. Labour will rename the city Brighton and Hove Botanical City – weeds will be compulsory. You’ll be issued with cuttings of bindweed and Japanese knotweed to plant in the pavement outside your home if you don’t already have any.
4. The Oxford English Dictionary will add a new word “procrasti-napping” which means taking a nap instead of doing something productive. I feel like doing it right now.
5. Brighton and Hove will declare itself the first off-road city in the world and give up repairing potholes. Each household will get ten per cent off tyres from KwikFit instead – once.
6. AI-powered therapists will become popular and people will start dating their virtual therapists because they give the best advice and never interrupt. Surely this is already happening.
7. Sir Keir Starmer will declare himself a man, until he declares himself a woman.
8. Brighton and Hove will return the Royal Pavilion to India.
9. Brighton will host its first graffiti festival. It will be cheap as it’s already all on display. We just need a volunteer to design the route map.
10. Social media will introduce a new “sarcasm alert” feature, which will automatically add sarcastic emojis to all your posts to prevent misunderstandings. These days, everything needs explaining.
Of course, one prediction I haven’t had a stab at – will it be Keir or Rishi? Keir means dark or dusky – quite appropriate even though he’s trying to be more rosé. Rishi, on the other hand, means Hindu sage or saint. Which will be our word of the year? I know which I prefer.
Alistair McNair is leader of the Tories on the city council
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